


Talk to me, not to the ghost around you

by Akiko_kitsune



Series: Make me crazy, keep me sane [7]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Complicated Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Time Skip, canon-typical angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-24 15:54:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20708630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_kitsune/pseuds/Akiko_kitsune
Summary: What can Gintoki do if Takasugi decides to lose himself in pursuit of Tendoushuu and Utsuro? Should he stand by his side as he should have done so many times, but never did? Or is it too much of a gamble?





	Talk to me, not to the ghost around you

**Author's Note:**

> I was promising not to go on hiatus again, but lately writing goes very hard for me, thanks to everyone who comments, for you I still try to make something out of this series.
> 
> This part turned out to be very hard to write, since around the time I'm writing about, a lot of things happened to my otp and it kept distracting me. So the writing was a weird juggling between some scenes and trying to reinterpret others, I hope it ended up okay. I didn't mention the case with Shouyou's heart from Takasugi's pov, cause it's giving me way too much ShouTaka feels to be able to think about anything else, sorry, that's just who I am.

What would be harder: admitting that he was gone or checking that one place on earth? What would hurt more?

In the end, Gintoki forced himself to go there. To what used to be their school. Each step almost physically hurt. He was turning back so many times…

Where else could he go?

He dismissed Yorozuya to get to Utsuro without fearing about others. He threw out the haven he was building for years to ensure his friends' safety in the future, even if he would no longer be in the picture. It was too heroic for him. And as always in practice, it turned out to be awfully dirty work.

Which he failed in the end.

He found Shouyou. And he lost him. The tightly wrapped package he couldn't bring himself to get rid of was a painful reminder of it.

He had really lived for too long. Everything became pain.

There was nowhere to go for him. Again he was only a ghost luring over the graves. He could as well go and check out the tomb of their dreams and happiness. To see if he was the only one remaining half-alive ghost or if there was someone more. It would be so nice if there was anyone more than him.

He was wrong.

It crushed his heart to see him again.

Takasugi crouched over a grave... Whose grave was it? Did it matter? They were all dead men since the day Shouyou was taken away from them. They left behind countless graves. They had just keep dying again and again without rebirth.

When they spoke, when they looked at each other, his body moved on its own. Knowing too well how to fight. It was the only thing they knew how to do.

Takasugi’s movement was slower and lacking a bit of his usual agility that helped him sometimes topped Gintoki. It happened sometimes as he was extremely exhausted. Was it like that now? It seemed more like his overall condition worsened. His body worn out and dark circles under his eyes. How did he put himself in such a state? The more Gintoki tried to understand it, the more painfully aware he was becoming how overbearing loneliness they were both through these two years.

“Gintoki, you should give up. He is out of your reach. Only a ghost can grab another ghost.” - out of many things Takasugi said that hit Gintoki the worst.

What did he mean?

Gintoki almost threw himself to grab Takasugi. To feel if he was real or not. He couldn’t be dead. He couldn’t. It had to be only one of Takasugi’s edgy monologues, right? Gintoki still felt clearly in his hands each moment their swords met. That was real. He was real.

Takasugi looked back at him. There was a cut on his cheek. It healed on Gintoki’s eyes.

No.

_Please, say it isn't…_

Shit.

Afterwards happened even more. It almost blurred before Gintoki’s eyes. His mind preoccupied with what he had just found up. There was police looking for Takasugi, of course. It seemed so weird to encounter something so mundane to life both of them left behind. Gintoki even talked with Hijikata. He said some nonsense. As always the police wasn’t the brightest.

Takasugi working with Tendoushuu? Hijikata could theorise anything. He didn’t know jackshit what they had been through or who Takasugi was. But what was going on? What the fuck was going on? How Takasugi… And even without starting on that, just trying to match why he always happened to be where Tendoushuu was... The possibility - that Takasugi might have tried to pursue them and save the world by himself - was even more insane. He was not a hero. He never wanted to be. There had to be something else.

Did he want to get to Utsuro? Why? Gintoki still had no idea where Takasugi stood on that issue. And honestly, Gintoki had no longer any idea where he himself stood.

Or was it just the revenge? Never-ending revenge. Such a boring trope.

* * *

Gintoki got one more chance to reach Takasugi. This time, he didn’t let him go. He stayed no matter how hard, complicated or painful it was.

"All these years and you still haven't learned how to swim," Takasugi had to pick on that yet again.

"Shut up." Gintoki took the towel and helped him dry his hair. At first, Takasugi wanted to move back, to stop him, but he submitted, he leaned into that caress.

Gintoki had seen him in various states. But he had never seen him yet so starved for another person’s sheer presence. He would never ask for anything. He would never say anything. He might have not even reach for something he needed at this point of exhaustion to stay alive. And that trait brought him here, to his final demise.

When he dried his hair, they distanced from themselves. They had to say what happened during these two years. It seemed they had only each other in these fight, so all the knowledge they gather was useful.

Takasugi...

Takasugi had gone through too much. Gintoki knew how painful the burden of this curse was, but hearing the story, imagining all that happened. It was too much. 

“What?” Takasugi asked afterwards. “Did I go insane in your eyes? I probably did.”

It seemed like that in the first moment. Like it got engraved into his mind that everything Takasugi says is wrong, insane, immortal, something that shouldn’t be listened to. Like the sound of his words alone was suppose to corrupt people around. But Gintoki chose not to run away from him anymore. And like that the sense of his words came in the second wave. It wasn’t madman’s talking. Or at least it shouldn’t be up to Gintoki to assess his sanity. 

“We all would wish it to possible.” To meet _him_ again. In their insane world, it became probable, within the reach of their hands. But… Wouldn't it lead to something bad? It couldn't end well.

“You think it’s only wishing?”

“I think you will do the right thing when the time comes.”

“_The right thing_?” Takasugi glanced at him trying to tell if it was a joke or not. He didn’t come to any conclusion. “Have you forgotten who I am? When did I ever do the right thing?”

“Lately. At Rakuyo helping us in the fight and then regroup. After the fight with Oboro, as you send us your guy to let us know about everything. When you took Oboro’s reminds and respect it. When you came to help us when the world was falling apart. When, even if no one was by your side to help you, you went after Tendoushuu to put an end to them. When you came to help us just know, cause you didn’t only try to steal from me.”

“I’ve become out of character lately, huh?”

Gintoki shook his head. “No. I finally got close enough to see you in a different light.”

“Hm, and do you like how I look in it?” he cooed.

_Good._ Would Takasugi take it as a compliment and tease it more? Or would he take it as an insult and get mad?

Gintoki didn’t say anything. He only shrugged his shoulders.

* * *

They spent a lot of time alone on that ship. No one dared to interrupt the great hero Takasugi Shinsuke. Really? There were people in this world who see him like that? Gintoki forgot about it. In the capital, he was seen as a criminal by most of the people. Or at least the people who Gintoki was hanging around. However, he used to be a hero, during the war, and it probably stayed like that afterwards. He was fighting to change the world and the world around became so horrifying, it should be more surprising how there were people who didn’t follow him.

Gintoki stayed wary about him. Out of habit. But there was something else that was worrying him more in Takasugi’s behaviour. Gintoki looked at him sometimes and barely see the man he was competing with his whole life. All the emotions, words, acts, they were so unusual for him. Something that was always buried deep down. Now he didn’t have the strength to keep them locked down anymore. And since he felt these were his last days, he stopped caring about his pride.

“What’s with this mourning expression?” Takasugi teased him.

This expression was staying on his face since the beginning of this insane journey. There were too many reasons for it. But if Gintoki had to sum it up: “I feel like your demons are playing with my mind.”

Takasugi caressed his cheek. He looked like he wanted to apologise. How fucked up their life has become.

“I don't mind it,” Gintoki spoke as if he wanted to cheer up Takasugi.

“I was in your head for long already, wasn't I?”

“You were. And it didn't break me. This time I'll handle it too.”

“I hope you do…”

_Don't. Don't seem sad. That does not suit you._

Gintoki took Takasugi's hand that started on his cheek. He pressed a kiss to the palm, wrist, the inner side of the forearm. He couldn't stop himself there. He moved closer. To the neck, temple, forehead… Takasugi turned him to his lips. They welcomed him passionately. They got so hungry for him.

Takasugi put his arms around Gintoki's neck and drown in these kisses. He chuckled when he felt were they were going with these kisses, moves, touches, caress. He didn't mind it. He only chuckled: "Now, I'm really out of practice."

"It’s okay," Gintoki murmured pressing kisses to his skin going down against bare chest always exposed by his manner of wearing clothes. "We can put in action _that_ fantasy."

"Wouldn't it be too boring?" His fingers tangled in Gintoki's hair. Usually, he would expect this grip to soon get force full and manhandle him into other position. It was different this time. Gintoki knew it would not happen.

"Is there anything boring with you?”

“I could make it interesting,” Takasugi cooed. When he felt Gintoki was getting away, he clung to him even more. "Where do you think you're going?"

“Lube. Or something that could be used as.”

Takasugi loosened his embrace reluctantly. “The crew left some medicine after we got here, maybe there is some ointment or something else we could use.”

Gintoki nodded. He did find there something seemingly useful.

“See,” Takasugi spoke. “What would you do without me?”

“Nothing. That’s why I need you,” he said without hesitation.

Takasugi glanced over him and hummed. He walked closer. He pushed Gintoki on the bed. He feasted on the attention he was given.

“You would not be able to take a step without me.”

Takasugi went on top of Gintoki. He looked down on him with a smirk planning what to do with him. His moves became more fluid, more confident. He was going back to being more himself.

If that was what it was going to take, Gintoki would let him take anything he wanted.

But there was also the other side of it- the less control Takasugi was having, the more control he was seeking. And it became worse. Something broke. He coughed again and rested his head on Gintoki's chest trying to recompose himself. He wasn’t able to keep it going.

Gintoki hushed him and turned their positions. He cradled Takasugi in his arms, soothed with the kisses. Anything to make him forget.

He took time to undress him. That night was different from any other. They weren’t rushing it. They were desperately wanting to prolong it. To make the world stop for a moment in some pleasant state.

Gintoki took his foot and kissed it gently. He worked his way up to his calf and thigh. He treated every little part of him like they were having some unique value.

When he reached between his legs, Takasugi trembled. He gritted his teeth not to make any sound. It was alright. Gintoki didn’t need to hear that. He only needed a bit of reassurance that it felt good. They were here only to feel some pleasure. To forget about the cruelty of the world around.

“Hold me.”

Gintoki moved closer. He reached one arm around him. Takasugi clung to him.

Why did it feel like the last time?

* * *

Takasugi often talked to Oboro.

Gintoki didn’t say anything about it few first times it happened. Maybe it was all due to the long-time Takasugi had spent alone. He didn’t care if his thought were only in his head or his lips let some slip out.

Or maybe, Gintoki didn’t want to acknowledge what point Takasugi’s insanity had reached.

But he couldn’t stay quiet about it. He tried to put it gently. They got hurt too many times already. Takasugi seemed like one more hit would break him into pieces. It was only an impression, but it made Gintoki constantly keep himself in check.

So he asked. He asked why.

"There are more and more people I want to talk with, but they no longer there," Takasugi replied.

"You can talk to me."

"About?" Takasugi read for his pipe and sat comfortably.

"Maybe about them."

"You want to talk? About our master? About Oboro? About other students? About our friends? About my soldiers? About Kiheitai? About Bansai?"

"What about Bansai?"

Takasugi turned his gaze away. "He died. I think." He tried to run from it. Gintoki knows him well enough to notice it and not let it slide.

"So maybe he survived?"

"Rather unlikely."

"Huh. Still, that girl and a creepy guy are alive. That's something."

"I still have someone to lead towards death. That's truly reassuring."

"Just..."

"Why have you become so caring?"

"I left you. Last time you were grieving. Last time you needed me. I don't want to make the same mistake again."

Takasugi sat a bit in silence smoking. What could be said? That they both knew Gintoki's words would soon turn into lies no matter what his best intentions were. There were too many things between them to let anything work. Too many grudges and too much history - good and bad, of support and abandonment. There was no way they could ever trust each other in this world. They let each other down too many times.

And their story liked to repeat itself. Or maybe they were too stupid to learn anything from it.

"It wasn't a mistake," Takasugi spoke. "We didn't have any choice on how to act. You couldn't stay. I tried to kill you, then I beg you to kill me. And you felt guilty cause none of it could happen. So, leave it. That and what is happening now."

“Takasugi, I-”

“What?!” his voice raised, his gaze returned to Gintoki. “What? Is it too evident now what is going on with me, that you can’t keep ongoing playing oblivious?! This time you want to be there for me? Great. Honourable. Fuck off.”

“I care about you!”

“You shouldn’t!”

“I can’t stop.”

“You should. There is nothing left you were caring about!” These words cut the air between them. They resonated in their ears. When Takasugi chose to speak again, probably only to kill this awful silence, his voice got even more choked up. "I just keep losing myself. And no matter what, I can't... I don't know how to find myself anymore. I may never come back to what I used to be, to what you cared about in whatever way you did."

That should be the moment when Gintoki would say he loved him. He loved him whole their lives. No matter what was happening. But these words didn’t come out. Not when their voices were cracking with suffering and sadness. Would he get another chance to say it?

Maybe that was how it should be. Gintoki didn’t deserve the right to say it out loud. Even if they were both at this point aware of the sense these words were caring.

"Everything I ever cared about is right in front of me," Gintoki said when they calmed down a bit.

"It is still somewhere, huh?"

"Yeah. We're all shattered by what happened. But it'll be over soon."

"Oh, I know it will be over."

* * *

Takasugi trembled in the night. He mumbled things Gintoki couldn’t recognise. 

_Don’t talk with the ghosts around you, stay with me,_ he could only pray in his thoughts.

Gintoki put his arm around him and pulled him close. He didn’t want to say goodbye to him anytime soon.

Takasugi vomited with blood again in the middle of the night. He didn’t manage to go outside the cabin to hide in. His legs went out halfway. The sound of him falling to his knees woke Gintoki. He ran from bed to him. But he could only hold him through.

They both knew what that meant. They didn’t have much time left.

"Even the greatest hero can't stop the inevitable," Takasugi chuckled bitterly barely catching a breath.

"When did our story turn into a tragedy?" Gintoki looked at him over the floor he had just wiped the blood from.

"It was always a tragedy."

"Maybe you're right," Gintoki sighed. He looked down. It was too dark to tell if he got rid of the blood or not. Who cared? It was only something he had done to keep himself from thinking.

He can't keep these thoughts away forever.

He only wanted to keep his friend, his lover close. Never lose sight of him. So why was he losing him again and again? Why was he failing at it so badly? How could he change that?

"I don't want to leave you ever again," Gintoki murmured. "I will try to save you."

"We'll see how it will go," Takasugi said only. He got up to return to the bed.

Gintoki couldn't bear this silence, he couldn't bear how loud place his head was becoming. He wanted to do anything to stop himself from going into all these dark places.

He looked up at Takasugi. "Let me hold you. One more time."

"Each night we spend together is _one more time_."

"Is it bad?"

"It makes everything sad."

Takasugi was right. Everything had turned into a tragedy. Gintoki wanted to undo it but he kept only repeating the same mistakes. He had to change something.

"Then," Gintoki started. "I'll be there forever and I'll forever be wanting you in my arms."

"Such a romantic, huh?" Takasugi sat on the bed. He was too weakened to keep standing.

"Appreciate the effort."

"I know. You never put effort into anything."

"Why would I if it isn't you?" Gintoki came closer.

"Huh, such a charmer."

"You make me work hard."

"Good. That's how it should be. I'm valuable."

"You're the most valuable in my life." Gintoki kissed him. Gently. As never before.

"I don't have much competition. What took second place? 5 yen?” Takasugi stopped. “But maybe you’re right. Maybe, in the end, I’m not that valuable."

Gintoki reached his hand to him. Takasugi declined this form of reassurance. He didn’t need that. He didn’t need anyone. He was alone and he was going to end his journey alone. Without relying on anyone else. He would not let anyone betray and leave him behind again.

Or maybe he was letting it happen, only in a different form. His body was falling. He desperately tried to grip on anything not to fall apart. That was the end of his journey. His body was betraying him. He was betraying himself.

Maybe that was why he let Gintoki follow him. For the last time, he betrayed himself and everything he had stood for the last twelve years. 

Takasugi reached for his pipe. These thoughts weren’t that surprising. He was aware of how low he was falling. It was only a matter of assuming the exact depth, the shame behind it was a fact.

“Our life is just a wheel of fortune,” Takasugi spoke. “Once it goes up, then it goes down…" He looked at Gintoki." It had been so cruel to you. But you'll soon get passed all the pain and it'll get better."

"What about you?"

Takasugi chuckled brokenly. "Oh, I'm falling. My whole life is just falling. I feel it with every fibre of my being as I'm sinking lower and lower. You saw what shameless garbage is left from what used to be me… I'm drowning in darkness. Literally. Even my eye starts to fail… I don't know how much of the things around are real or a dream. This moment feels like he a dream."

"It's real."

"How screwed up our lives have become..."

"It has always been like this."

"Maybe..." Takasugi paused for a moment. "I only used to have more pride… and now… Are these broken pieces worth anything?"

"Yeah. I'll patch you up and..."

"There will be scars and wounds everywhere."

"On second place is 5 yen, so even the most broken piece of you is worth more."

"You'll always see some value in me?"

"I'm not picky."

Takasugi laughed. Gintoki missed it so much. He knew he would never be able to live without him.

**Author's Note:**

> Next part will be the last one. I hope I'll end it soon and decently. (I promise it all ends well, I love my baby boy Takasugi too much to hurt him)
> 
> Also, let me know if you want or do not want Takasugi to top in the last part (I promise I will finally write a decent sex scene)


End file.
